Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
