Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
