I need to stop coming to work sober
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
