im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
