So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
