So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
