Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
My vagina just clenched in fear
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
