I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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