oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
