theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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