I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
