Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
