had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
