he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
