life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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