My hand turned me down
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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