Capitaan dildo arrescate!
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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