i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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