I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
