I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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