I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just pee around me
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Randomize
