we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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