hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
and i looked up. we had an audience...
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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