3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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