I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
