I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
