Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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