I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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