I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
