Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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