Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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