Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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