i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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