Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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