you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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