i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he told me I talked like a deaf person
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
