I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
