there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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