Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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