ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
