i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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