I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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