i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
