I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
