i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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