peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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