you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Randomize
