so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
