I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
