someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
