I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
