I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
