Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
