listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
