how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
