So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
