3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
