Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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