we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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